Extraordinary
by Sharppa
Summary: What if a woman would sneak into the army? What if there would already be one and she could be there openly, without hiding and worries? Would they become rivals or friends? Or even more? Pyro Max is about to find out when she goes in the battlefield.
1. Chapter 1

Fit body, strong legs and arms, tall ä– not quite as tall as me though ä– and nice breasts. A scout with tits. Yes, I definitely said tits. Boobs on the battlefield. What I'm saying there's a woman on our team. A freaking woman. There can't be a girl in a war. Not openly. Not like that. I don't mean women are not able to fight.. and any way I have my own secrets. It's just that they won't take any females. Except this one. Something makes her so extraordinary that they took her. And I'd just love to know what makes her so special.

I wasn't special. That's why I was a guy now. Kind of. At least they called me Max. I'm that tall, skinny, redheaded pyro with freckles. They rarely see me without my equipment. It's just in case.. Though I always wear a tight bandage around my chest. My voice is pretty deep and rough and my gas mask helps me with that too. Just in case. I also have a roommate. Thank god he's a pretty dumb one. A heavy. But that prompt little scout with her ponytail.. she has no problems like that. She doesn't have to worry like I must.

I noticed a red spy being about to stab our beloved princess and I acted quickly. She didn't deserve to die even if she had some priviledges. Let's fry the spy. The noise of my flamethrower alerted the lady scout and she jumped quickly out of the way of spy's lethal strike. The spy also noticed my flamethrower but only after he was already being grilled. Silly spy. I grinned under my mask.

"Thanks, pyro!" scout said and flashed me a big smile before taking off. I shrugged and tried to forget my envious feelings. I shouldn't feel hatred towards the only girl in my team besides me. Though I've never had a girl as my friend either. Oh well..

A victory. Third victory in a row. It was going too well to be true. Tomorrow we'd probably lose a fight. Many men had taken damage on the battlefield today and medics had their hands full of work. I didn't get any serious injuries so I wasn't going to overload the medics because of some scratches.

"Hey, move!" some guy yelled and pushed me gently. Oh, a hungry heavy. I noticed it was my turn to shovel some food on my plate so I did as I was told and mumbled through my mask:

"Sorry, dude."

"It's okay, little buddy. I'm just sooo hungry", heavy answered and grinned. I nodded and went to look for a free seat. When I found a whole free table and sat down I noticed the heavy followed me and sat across.

"It was a good fight today, right, fella?"

"Indeed", I answered and remowed my mask. It was always so nice to get some air. I mean like really. And I always was scared about someone figuring out I'm a girl.

"Ya got very puffy hair, little fella", the heavy grinned and stuffed his mouth with food.

"I know", I answered and forked my own meal. The canteen was hot and full of chatter like usual. I was just not usually one of those who spoke.

"What's your name buddy? Haven't talked to you before, I think. I'm Alfred."

I looked at so called Alfred. Alfred looked nothing like.. Alfred. He looked more like.. Bob or Chuck or something like that. I anwered with a little bit of hesitation:

"Okay, Alfred, I'm Max."

He smiled and shoveled some more food down his troath.

"Hey, Al!" I heard feminine, enthuastic and oh, so recognizeable voice calling out for some one. Probably Alfred judging his reaction. He had a goofy grin on his face and he waved with his huge hands. Yes, both hands.

"Susan! Come sit with us", the heavy asked and soon next to me was sitting our lady scout with her side to side swaying ponytail. I couldn't help but snort. Even though she probably gets lots of that. And other.. harassment.

"Shut your hole!"

I looked at her bewildered. Ouch. An angry cat? She sure had some temper.

"Susan, Max is a good fella. Don't shout", heavy defended me and laughed in a friendly manner. The scout lifted up her hands as a sign of surrendering and apologised smiling friendly:

"I'm sorry, pyro."

I just nodded and waved my hand dismissively. Those two friends started chatting and I ate my food quickly and dissappeared hoping they wouldn't notice me missing. I had no intention to make friends. Especially not with her.

"You're out."

"Huh?"

"I said you're out. They're moving you", my roommate repeated and smiled at me triumphantly.

"Oh", I answered. My roommate had been annoyed with me since the very beginning. I have no idea why but I guess his complaints went trough at last. I wasn't so happy. My secret could take damage from this.

"Take your things. They're waiting for you to go and ask for your room", he said and pushed me out of his way when stepping out of our room. Or my ex-room.

I scratched the back of my head and put my gloves under my belt. I had to pack.

Room number 136. They said it was a double room. I had my stuff in a box that I was holding with my both hands so I knocked with my boot. Next thing that happened was a thing that usually doesn't happen in real life. Just in some bad dramas. It's just so unlikely to happen. But it did.

"Hey, Alfred."

"Hello, little buddy! Are you my new roommate, Max?"

"Yep. A roommate indeed", I answered and made my way in to the room. It was identical to my old room. I was even sleeping at the same side. I placed my box on the bed and sighed. My days were going to be so long.


	2. Chapter 2

At first, yeah, it was hard to be Al's roommate but I got used to it. In fact we became friends. And Alfred being our lady scout's best friend and all, she of course was around us very often. And I found myself getting used to her too.

"What colour are your eyes?"

"Huh? Green pretty much", I answered to Susan. Random question time, was it?

"I love green eyes. Mine are just boring brown", the girl huffed and waved towards her face.

I frowned. There were nothing wrong with her eyes. They were big and round and had lovely hazel color with a tint of grey in the middle. I smiled a little and said:

"Your eyes are just fine."

"No, they're not. And my nose is way too tiny and points stupidly downwards", Susan claimed and poked her nose with her indexfinger. Oh, boy. I haven't used to conversations like this. Guys had never talked to me about their noses and stuff.. And her nose wasn't too small. Sure it looked a bit tiny compared to her eyes but it sat perfectly in her face. In fact it was cute.

"And my hair looks awful. It's dull brown and.."

What was this random rambling about her looks? She had nothing wrong with her face or hair.. or body. I felt uncomfortable with the situation. Susan had never complained about herself. Well, I hadn't known her that long. I hoped Alfred would come soon.

"Hey, you look nice", I tried and plased my hand on her thigh. It looked huge and clumsy because I had my rubber gloves on. I used them almost always. I felt safer with my gear on.

"Thanks", Susan said and looked a bit taken aback by my friendly gesture. And then I got scared about it being too friendly and removed my hand.

"You're a beautiful man", she grinned.

I frowned. She called me feminine. Of course I looked a bit feminine for a man but.. not really in an abnormal way. She shouldn't have a doubt about my gender. She had no reason. I tried to relax. Susan hadn't implied I'm a woman. She just gave me a compliment. Before I could answer the door opened.

"Hi, fellas!" Al greeted and walked to us. He ruffled my already messy hair and sat next to me. Now my bed was full of soldiers.

_**"OUR BASE IS BEING INVADED"**_

Oh, really? Well, fuck. Fuck, shit and a fucking shithead. There were supposed to be a fucking truce for the rest of the week. No? Fuck you team red. We have enough injured people and we fucking know you're out of supplies. You decided to borrow some of ours, did you?

Our lady scout was already out of the door and Al was putting his equipment on. I put my gasmask on and went to get my flamethrower. I hoped this would be soon over with.

The battle indeed was short. Even if we had less men, they shortly ran out of ammo and they had to retreat. It was a doomed attack from the beginning. Stupid move, I'd say. I don't know what we'll do now. They were even more vulnerable now but so were we. I'm happy that I'm just a pyro and it's not my job to decide this kind of things.

What I should worry about was my badly burned left hand. I was amused by the irony of being a pyro and getting burned. The rubber had melted right into my skin and it hurt like fuck. But there were many soldiers before me.

I wondered if my... friends.. yeah, I guess they're friends. I wondered if they were okay. I hadn't seen them since we left the room. I scanned the waiting room trough my mask and saw a familiar heavy. It was just my old roommate. He was missing a piece of his leg. Ouch. Probably a demoman had gotten him for good. What caught my attention was that someone was asking him if he was okay. Alfred. He seemed pretty okay. Though his arm was bleeding. And leg. And his shoulder was covered in blood. How was he even conscious? I would have moved next to him if there had been any room. There wasn't so I just stood where I was.

I lay in my bed. My hand was covered in bandages. Oh, it was so great. The door creaked.

"Hi.. Al's badly injured and in hands of our medics for a few days so.. I guess I could live here with you for a while? If you don't mind", Susan asked shyly from the door.

"Sure", I answered. It didn't matter. If she wanted to live here, she could. Maybe she was lonely or something. I'm not the best company ever but she asked so.. What ever. She could come.

She shut the door and sat on the edge of my bed. She sighed and spoke again:

"He's going to be alright, isn't he?"

"Yeah. I saw him in the waiting room. He was conscious and all", I answered. I hoped I was reassuring.

"Are you hurt?" she asked worried. I lifted my bandaged hand up.

"Just a little burn. Ironic, huh?"

She smiled sadly and took my right hand in hers. Oh. I didn't expect that. Usually she was pretty tough. And happy. And all. And not that.. overly friendly. Emotional? Or yes she was emotional. Hell of a lot. But just not.. sad.

"I love him."

Oh. OH. That stung. For some reason. So she was in love with him? Perfect. What did I expect? They're best buddies? I'm stupid. And what do I care? They're just my friends.. Or more like buddies. What should I care if that girl is in love with my roommate? Yeah. I don't. I don't care. It's good that she has someone. Though that someone is now injured.. And she needs me.

"Do you know why I am in this war?" she asked me. Of course I didn't. She hadn't told me. I shook my head. So, she told me:

"My dad. He was one of the strategists. My mom died and he wanted to take me with him. He didn't want me in some home that wasn't a home. So, he wanted to take me in the base. He got a permission so I lived here. Army was my new family. I just grew up to be a soldier. When my dad died I persuaded them to take me in as a scout. I didn't want to leave my family, you know?"

"Oh.. well.. at least you still have family", I answered and tried to smile. I didn't know that. So, that made her so extraordinary.

"Yea, that's right. And you guys are my best friends", she smiled and squeezed my hand. I smiled back.

"You are my first friends."


	3. Chapter 3

A fucking endless war. Endless I say. At least there hadn't been any battles for a week. My hand was better. Everything was better. The lady scout lived with me while Al was taken care of. Now he was supposed to come back.

"Al gets out tomorrow!" Susan yelled enthusiastically and shook me from my shoulders.

"I know, you told me already", I laughed. I was so glad that she was happy. I wanted to hug her but instead I gently took her hands off of my shoulders.

In a week I had formed a crush on Susan. Yes, a freaking girlcrush. But it was okay because I'm a man, right? Haha. I could never have her though. Because of my secret. And because she loves Alfred. So, I just had to let it be.

Bad thing was.. The bad thing was that even if I didn't mean to, I did these little things. Little things like sitting so close that our legs would touch, brushing my hand against her more or less accidentally, moving her bangs out of her face and implying stuff.. Yeah. I guess I flirted though I didn't even know how. But she always answered positively which is kind of confusing.

"But he said I can stay here. He takes my room", told me with a big smile.

Wait what? She was going to live with me? More than this week. Where the fuck is this world going? This was bad.. very bad. But it made me happy.

"Cool. Do you want to stay?" I asked with a smile. Like it really mattered in the middle of a war.

"Well, try and guess, Max! Of course I want to stay", she replied.

I smiled. This was bad.

Next weeks went like usual. There were battles. We lost. We won. Like it matters any more. I don't even know why we are fighting anymore. Susan and I got closer. We three were really friends now. But there were still things that weren't right. I was still a woman. And Susan still loved him.

"Hey, Max.."

"Hm?" I looked at Susan and stopped putting a shirt on. It was late and we were about to go to sleep.

"Why do you always wear that bandage?" she asked me.

Oh, fuck. There it came.

"Just a habit", I mumbled and looked down. Well, that really wasn't a lie.

"Do you have scars or something?" she kept asking.

"No", I shook my head. I could've said yes. It would have been easy. Why couldn't I lie to her? I looked at the scout and she tilted her head.

"Show me."

Fuck no. What the fuck am I going to do now. I'm fucked up. If I say no she'll figure it out any way and if I say yes.. well.. yeah.

"No."

She frowned and kept persuading:

"We are friends, you know? It's okay what ever you are hiding. You can tell me." If I told her now, what would happen? Nothing good.

She sat next to me on my bed and leaned close. She put her hands on both sides of my face and looked into my eyes. Fuck, I was so under pressure. And so scared. And her hands felt so nice.

"Tell me."

"No."

I couldn't. It's not a possibility. Just no.. And then Susan leaned so close that our noses touched. I looked at her confused. She kissed me. Fuck no.

"You can show me", she said gently and slipped one of her fingers under my bandages. I went very, very stiff.

"No, I can't", I shook my head violently but still.. Still I let her start opening it.

"You can't do that. Stop it", I told her and stopped her hands with mine.

"It's okay. I know."

I looked at her confused. She knew? She knew what. My secret? But she can't know. Nobody knows.

"You-"

"Shh. Al told me. He's really not that stupid, you know.. I know you know. I know you're not a real man", she explained and smiled oh so warmly. I let my hands drop and she opened my bandages.

"Why did you..?" I tried to ask but she just pushed me on my back.

Her hands were everywhere: in my hair, on my breasts, my sides, my stomach.. But her lips were firmly placed against mine. Every warm touch made me shiver and I didn't have a thought about stopping her. Moments ago.. minutes.. seconds? Anyway, a while ago I was scared, now I just wanted her. Badly.

Her fingertips traced my bellybutton which made my back arch slightly. Her lips started a trip along my jaw and neck and back up, towards my ear. She placed warm and moist openmouthed kisses here and there. Her hands were on my breasts rubbing and squeezing gently. She got me gasping loudly when her fingers found my erect nipple.

Then started the sucking and nipping. I was panting heavily. Gentle lovebites took their places on my neck and breasts and I was sure I had died and gone to heaven. Or hell. Because I was fucking needy and she did not make a move to get to my pussy. My boxers were probably wet as fuck and here this girl was. Making me want even more. And I loved it.

I pulled Susan up from sucking my nipple. Not because it felt bad. Because it didn't. It felt great. Awesome. Like everything else she did. I just wanted to feel her lips against mine again. I needed her to see that I wanted it all.

When our lips met I felt her fingers on my abdomen reaching down. It worked? No. Not yet. She just drew circles on my pelvis area teasingly and smiled at me. I looked at her pleadingly. And at last I got what I had waited for. Two of her fingers slipped in to my hot wetness.

"Jesus. You really liked it", Susan said and grinned at me. Apparently I was as wet as I had assumed. As an answer I just snorted at her and pushed her palm and fingers harder against me. She complied with rubbing her fingers against my clitoris slowly and gently. If I had dared I would have thrusted them right inside of me.

I heard myself moan. What the fuck. I hadn't ever moaned because of pleasure. Well this was like.. fuck. It was her. And I wanted her. And she was giving it to me. I wasn't sure which I wanted more: sex to never end or to have an orgasm. Maybe both. Getting off didn't mean stopping.

I woke up from my euphoria when she stopped. I was confused and needed more. What was she doing? Oh, pants. Right. She was trying to take them off. I quickly helped her pull my boxers off. When I was naked she went between my legs. Was she going to lick me? I was scared and excited at the same time. And maybe a bit uncomfortable with the idea of someone having their face so close to my pussy. But I shook that thought away.

I may now say that I'm a virgin. No one has ever licked me. And I can say it's.. It's just plain pleasure. Susan's tongue went up and down my pussy. She licked softly and she licked hard. She did it slow and she did it fast. She sucked and nibbled with her lips. The tongue slided in circles and in different letters. And I felt like coming the whole time. When I thought I can't feel better she did something that gave me even more pleasure. I didn't realize I was making noises. But I did notice her making some. Just occasionally some quiet, soft and cute. And sexy.

I wanted to come. I needed to come. I needed her inside me. And at that time I was sure she could read my mind because she pushed three fingers at me at once. I yelped from the pleasure.

"Fuck... More", I demanded not fully intentionally.

And Susan complied. Her fingers moved faster and she pressed harder and I was sure I was going to die. It felt so good. Too good. Her hand moved with ease because of the wetness. I couldn't do anything but moan and grab her head.

Her tongue moved faster. World around me seemed like it grew bigger and then shrinked again. My muscles felt so tight. It was almost like an itch. A kind of compulsive feeling. Need of release. I felt like I was going to explode. And I guess I kind of did. I came.

I could feel myself throbbing against Susan's hand. Pulsating. She rested her head against my thigh her fingers still inside me. She smiled. Her face was wet and it shone in the light. I felt heavy and light at the same time and also very sweaty and tired. And happy.

The girl crawled on top of me and kissed the corner of my mouth. I felt uncertain about what to do but I put my hands around her and hugged her close. Was I supposed to return the favor? Did she want me to? Why did she do me in first place.. Wait. Wasn't our scout in love with a certain heavy?

"Hey.. Uh.. Umm.. Al?" I tried to ask her about it but it didn't really come out. I felt like hitting myself.

"What?" she looked at me in utter confusion.

"Aren't you like.. You.. Well, you know. Don't you love Alfred?" I mumbled and felt so ashamed and uneasy for some reason. Maybe because I didn't really know. And the situation was so uncomfortable and confusing. I looked at her and she still looked confused when she answered:

"Yeah.. and?"

I could see she was panicking because of the situation. So was I. But I didn't want her to feel even more anxious so I tried to make my question clear:

"Aren't you in love with him? Why would you.." I tried. Why would you want me? I couldn't say it.

"Oh. You have misunderstood me. I'm not in love with Al. I love him as a friend", she explained and smiled at me.

Well, fuck. I am so stupid.

"You're gay?" I uttered still in confusion and she laughed. Okay, now I felt even more stupid. Why did I say that? I am so stupid. I felt so stupid that I started to laugh too.

"Are you?" she grinned at me.

"I love you."

Oh. I didn't say that. But I did. Someone fucking help me. Get me out of here. I felt panic rising in me. She looked shocked. Probably so did I.

"I.. you too", Susan answered quietly and rested her head on my shoulder. I felt relieved. And also still scared. What the fuck would happen now? I felt her nuzzling my neck while she mumbled:

"I love you too. I love you."

I smiled. I could think about consequences later.


	4. Chapter 4

A warming body next to me. Arms around me. Legs tangled. Warm breathing tickled my cheek. I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling. Lights were out. Susan probably switched them off at some point. Oh, yeah. Susan. She loves me.

I looked at the analogic clock which glowed in the dark. I may be childish but I found it pretty neat. The glowing parts told me it was time to get up in ten minutes so I decided to wake the sleeping princess.

"Hey.. Susie, wake up", I whispered in her ear and shook her gently but hard enough to wake her up.

"No.. leave.. my bananas alone", she mumbled and waved her arm and accidentally hit me in the face with it.

"Mnhhg? Max? Shit, sorry", she woke up. I smiled sheepily and stated:

"I wasn't going to take you bananas. No need to hit me."

"Bananas? What are you talking about?" she asked in confusion and scratched the tip of her nose.

"You speak in your sleep. You told me to leave your bananas alone", I grinned and petted her cheek.

"Shut up! I don't talk when I sleep", she yelled and slapped my hand away. First she looked angry but then she smiled. I smiled back. I wanted to kiss her. Then I realized I could. So I did so.

"We have to get up", I told to my lady scout.

We met Al, he saw right through us. He was happy for few days we were content. Happy. It was the best time of my life.. Till things went straight to hell from heaven. We had this battle and red team did something they had never done. They took some prisoners. Prisoners of war. And of course the girl had to be one of them. My girl.

For a day I worried my heart bleeding when I waited anxiously for our bosses to decide what to do with the situation. The blu team could do anything to her. And second day they kicked me in the face with a steel boot. Not literally of course.. But it felt like it. We were not going to go and save them. I tried to convince them it would be the right decision to go and fight for them. Tried to persuade them in all possible ways. I raged. I pleaded. And it was all for nothing. They just told me to go to my room. There were no fighting over them.

That day I just cried. I didn't let even Al in my room. No one was to disturb my agony. Then I really realized that she was my life and I was going to lose my life. And I wasn't going to let it happen. So the third day I want trough the base trying to find someone who had loved ones hold in the red base. I found two. A sniper called Blake and a demoman named Nathan and they were willing to assist me. Assist me in my almost sure suicide mission of saving Susan and of course the others. Alfred was willing too.

Fourth day was the day of action. I was surprised that I wasn't scared at all. I wasn't scared of dying because I had nothing to lose. I wasn't scared of getting caught by the leaders of blu team and getting punished. I would lose time but I'd fucking kill even them if I had to. I had my equipment on, I had my group and I had nothing to lose.

"This is a fucking suicide mission", the sniper mumbled and lighted a cigarette. We had gotten out of the base but that was fucking easy because Nathan got us a engineer to help us out. Would have been helpful to have him with us the whole way. But I was glad that we were out of the base. It was progress. One step towards her.

"You can fucking go back if you're afraid to die", I retorted and he just took a long drag of his tobacco.

"I am not afraid to die, mate. Seeking for death is just plain stupid", he answered and walked to my right side. I didn't feel need to answer to that. It was stupid. But it was worth it. Worth trying.

"Who are you ready to die for?" the demoman's voice asked somewhere behind me.

"Susan", I answered.

"You got the girl, hm?" Blake chuckled with mockery in his voice.

"Hell yeah, I have her. Or maybe she has me", I answered without looking at him. Al on my other side said:

"I'm here for Susan too. But I want all the others out as well."

"Love triangle? Well she's the only girl in blu, so.. no wonder", Nathan pondered.

"Just my best buddy. Susan's all for Max", heavy explained and patted me on my shoulder.

"Shut up, all of you. We are not on a picnic", Blake reminded us and I nodded. We definitely weren't.

That night in our little camp Nathan brought that same topic back up.

"Hey, Blake, right? You didn't tell us who are you saving", the demoman tried to approach Blake friendly and took a gulp of water before eyeing him expectantly.

"Neither did you", the sniper answered laying back and pulled his hat in front of his eyes.

"I'm here for a beautiful man", Nathan answered.

"Mate, you're weird. You can't call men beautiful", Blake argued and lifted his hat so his eyes could be seen again. The demoman just shrugged and said:

"Well there are beautiful men. Maybe you just don't see it."

They started to go on and on about everything. The arguing stopped when I said I'm off to bed. Soon there would be sweat and blood.

We found ourselves at the red base. The building had two entrances. Both had guards and a gate. The East Gate had a sentry gun so we could forget that. That turret would fuck us up big time. The West Gate had only two guards. A soldier and a sniper it seemed. I guess it was logical because the East Gate faced the direction of our base.

Blake and I thought of a plan. It maybe wasn't the smartest idea but we hadn't got that many options and we weren't strategists or anything. Our plan was pretty much based on distracting and luck. It felt more risky than getting wet when running in a rain. But still worth a try. I hoped.

Nathan placed some stickybombs on the East Gate and then we headed to the West Gate. Our sniper was ready to shoot the guards if they wouldn't leave their posts because of the explosion. We had to wait for the gate to open. It could be possible we would had to wait the whole day. Maybe even the next day. Which would be bad. But we were lucky. It's always nice when things go according to the plan.

The gate opened and some guy in a vehicle came trough it. Or he was about to come. I don't know if he was about to go and get some more supplies or negotiate or something else but he didn't get to do his job. The demoman of our group blew up his bombs at the East Gate and soon the alerted three at West Gate were dead by Blake's bullets.

"Can't we use that car when we escape?" Nathan asked. He had a good point there. I tried to think quickly before giving orders:

"Nathan, you could move that car a bit further away. Tell Blake to be ready with it. Then you could keep the reds busy with your bombs and Al and I will go in. Can you do it?"

"Alright, boss", the demoman answered. It was hard to sound understandable through a gas mask but he apparently got my message. He jumped into the car where he pushed the corpse out of the vehicle.

I didn't know when I had become the leader of this operation. Maybe I had been it the whole time. I didn't know but now.. Now we had to move fast.

It was hard to be sneaky with all my equipment and a heavy following me but all the hassle around us made it easier. Also the western side of the base were pretty empty in minutes. There were only few guards that didn't leave their posts and we handled them either with Al's fists or my fire axe. We couldn't make too much noise.

We were lucky again because we found the cell pretty fast. Our bases seemed to be almost identical but that probably was because the buildings were built at the same time, before this war. Then I saw her.

"Susan!"


	5. Chapter 5

There were four prisoners. We were told that one of them was killed yesterday. They were all in a good shape. Or well.. they looked beaten but they all could walk which was a good thing.

And Susan.. I wasn't sure if she was happy to see me or not because I got yelled at how stupid it was to come and try to rescue her. I didn't care. I was happy she was alright and I found her. But before I wasn't scared.. Now I was. I was scared for her and her safety. I definitely wasn't scared of dying or getting hurt or anything. I was in a war anyway and those were things I had to deal with every day. Of course I had to deal with Susan possibly getting hurt or dying but it was a different thing when I saw her and could watch her back and if something happened I'd know about it. It was different when I just couldn't do anything and she was away. Like this. That's why I had to come to her rescue. But I had no time to explain that to her.

"Okay, my lady and others, let's go", I ordered and signaled them with my hand to move through the door we had broken.

I knew our lady scout was a good at swinging a bat so I gave her my fireaxe. She could bash enemies' heads with that too. And she got to do that pretty soon because reds weren't as stupid as we thought they would be. Soldiers begun to get in our way more and more when they started to realize our plan. I decided we should take the East Gate because there was no way to get to the gate we came from. I hoped Blake understood that and was waiting there for us. And that he was alive.

On our way to the gate we lost one of our group. Some engineer I think. But that was only because he volunteered to open the gate for us. Al went with him but came back alone. We were in a fucking hurry. And thanks to Blake we weren't killed in the second we got out. We drove away like hellhounds were behind us. And in a way I guess they were.

"I can't believe we did it", I said when I got my mask off. I was relieved.

"Where's Stan?" asked Nathan. The demoman was badly wounded and would soon bleed to his death if we wouldn't take care of the wounds.

"Hey, Nathan, let me do something to your wounds", I offered and ignored his question. I didn't know who Stan was. I felt bad but I didn't want him to die. He could speak to this so called Stan later.

"No, where's Stan?" he repeated his question. I could hear the pain in his voice. I looked at Susan pleadingly. She gave me a long sad look before answering:

"He's dead. I'm sorry you came all this way and.. "

"I knew he'd be dead.. Don't worry, girl, I didn't do this for nothing. You are alive right? And you have Max", he smiled with tears in his eyes. Woah.. This really wasn't the first time I saw a man cry in a battle field but this was.. Different.

"Kill me."

I looked at the demoman. I was shocked. I knew losing a friend could be hard but this was war and.. Fuck, he could be treated. Could be alright. There was no reason to kill him.

"Let me treat your wounds", I tried and tried to reach him in the back of the car. He just shook his head.

"He was my life. Just, please, end me. I am in a fucked up state any way. Just do it", he pleaded and looked at me. I hadn't known him for long but I couldn't let his life end like this. I just couldn't.

Susan pulled me close to her and said:

"I think they were lovers. Stan told me. He thought we'd die there. He was that.. that one who died at the gate."

I understood. But I didn't want to.. I couldn't. I wanted to save him. Why must we waste lifes like this? And if I hadn't let him sacrifice himself he'd be here with Nathan. He would be taking care of him and.. I had to do it. It was my responsibility.

"Are you sure?" I tried to keep my voice even.

He nodded.

"Who has my shotgun?" asked loudly so everyone in the army car could hear me. I had given that to some random guy and I hoped we still had it. And some ammo.

"I do, but it has no ammo", a scout replied. I nodded. Fuck.

"Take my rifle. There's still some bullets left", Blake said and handed it to me.

"Thanks, man!" Nathan yelled and grimaced because of the pain.

"No problem, mate", he answered casually and kept driving. I knew it hurt him too.

I aimed the sniper rifle towards the bleeding man's head and spoke:

"Farewell, Nathan."

"Goodbye, Max", he grinned.

I pulled the trigger and he was gone.

We got yelled at by the leaders of blu because we had disobeyed but we didn't get any punishment because we had accomplished our mission even if we had done it without permission. We had lost Nathan but we had gotten three of our men out of the red base. Along with Susan came a scout named Kenneth, who was Blake's best friend, and a soldier called Dave. I was glad that Blake got who he was looking for.

"Hey, Max, I guess we can finally get some rest, yes?" Blake grinned at me as all six of us walked together.

"Yeah", I answered tiredly. Finally rest. And a moment alone with Susan.

"So, fellas, I'll go this way", Al said and took a turn to a different hallway. Dave went after him but said nothing. I shrugged. After a moment of walking I felt Susan tugging my arm. It was room number 136. Our room. I stopped.

"I guess I'll see you guys later", I smiled at Blake and his friend Kenneth.

"See ya, mate."

I opened the door for us and we stepped in. I shut the door. Alone. Just the two of us. I threw my mask and gloves on the floor. She looked at me. I knew that look. It was the same look I had. It was the look of love and longing and pain. The look of a need to be as close as possible. She hugged me close and I let her bury her head in my chest and rub her face against my dirty uniform that I still wore.

I pulled away and lifted her chin so she was looking at me. And kissed her. I needed to be close. Now.

I let my hand wonder under her shirt taking in and memorizing every bit of her figure. I rubbed with my hands, let them slide on her skin and faintly fondled her lines with my fingertips. I could not only feel her skin but also her muscles, bones and I liked to think I felt her soul too.

I breathed her scent in. She smelled like sweat and blood and dirt but there was also her own unique scent that I loved. Even if Susan smelled dirty, she didn't smell bad. She smelled like something I had missed. Like my loved one.

I buried my face in her neck and placed faint kisses on there while she did the same to me. Slowly my kisses begun to be hungrier, more needy. I bit gently here and there and sucked the skin between my teeth which made her gasp and moan quietly and grasp my clothing. Which made me want her more.

I tugged Susan's shirt and she didn't hesitate. She lifted her arms up and let me take it off. Before I could do anything else she started taking my clothes off. Soon we both were only in our underwear and I gently pushed her on our bed.

I climbed on top of her and gave her a long kiss full of love and happiness. Our lips moved like they were meant to be together. I licked her lips and smiled. She opened her mouth and I let our tongues play their game. After a while I pulled away and rested my forehead against hers so our noses were touching.

"I love you so much. I missed you so much. I.. I was so worried and.." Susan saved me from explaining by kissing me.

"I love you too."

And there was nothing else needed.

I smashed my lips on hers and my right hand found her bra covered breasts. I pulled her up so she was sitting and reached my hands behind her so I could get rid of the annoying piece of clothing. When I was done with it I pushed her on her back and laid down next to her.

My hand traveled up and down her body and my fingers danced on her features. I felt like I lived from touching her and if I stopped I would die right there. I could hear her heavy breathing and see how she squirmed under my touch. And I loved it all. I loved her. I enjoyed touching her. Her body. Mine.

I tugged Susan's panties so she would lift her body up. She did so and took them off herself. Now I had full access. I rubbed her thighs and petted her abdomen before sliding my hand down between her legs.

I rubbed her with my index and middle finger like they had never been there. They had. And they knew where to press, how to rub. What way to make her moan and wriggle. To ache for more.

I loved how I had all the power in the world. I was the one. Susan loved me and I had the right to touch her. I was the one who knew how to touch her. Who she wanted to touch her. And right then I didn't want anything but to touch her. To please.

I pushed my fingers inside with forse. A gasp. I slowly slided them out and back in. Repeated. Moaning. I slowly speeded up the process and I got more wriggling and moaning as a reward. She took my hand and tried to push it deeper. When she let go I added a third finger and pressed harder. It clearly pleased her. I moved my hand faster and when I thought my hand couldn't move any faster it always got some boost somewhere. Which got her giving me some more of her body fluids.

Susan clinged on me and I could feel her nails pressing through my skin. And I loved it. It told me how much she enjoyed it. I wasn't a big masochist but little things like that while having sex made my stomach twist in a good way and my underpants get wetter. As did the wet noise the movement in her pussy made.

She took sharp breaths and moaned. And I could feel her closing her legs a bit. I knew what it indicated. Fluids wetted my palm. I knew where to press and I pressed hard. I could feel the walls close in on my fingers. I could feel the muscles tighten. And then again.

I pushed gently few more times and then pulled my hand out. Susan smiled at me.

"Thank you."

I laughed heartily and answered:

"No, thank You."

She smiled and kissed my forehead then we just laid there. Listening to each others breathing. I felt horny but was content with just being there with her. And we both were tired. I knew she would have fucked me if I had asked her. I didn't. I listened to my lady scout's breathing. It had changed. She had fallen asleep. I hugged her close, buried my face in her hair and let myself fall asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

When I woke up and opened my eyes tiredly I saw her looking at me. Watching me. Her eyes met mine. She smiled. I reached up with my hand and petted her cheek with the side of my index finger. Susan pressed her face in my palm and nuzzled it which made me chuckle. She leaned in and gave a peck on my lips.

"What's your real name?"

I was surprised. I didn't expect that. Why hadn't she asked before if it bugged her? Or did it cross her mind just now? I sniffled my nose and then scratched it.

"Why are you asking now?" I asked. A good question I thought. So was hers.

"Just curious", she responded and smiled a little. I lifted my body up and supported it with my elbow and tried to clarify my question:

"But why right now?"

She lowered her gaze and answered:

"Well.. You know.. I was there.. as a prisoner and.. I just thought that I don't even know your name."

Oh. She was right. She didn't know my name. I didn't think it mattered that much but if it mattered to her I would tell her.

"Mathilda Cubicle. Nice to meet you, miss..?"

"Taton. Susan Nichole Taton", the scout answered and giggled.

"Are you laughing at my name or what, miss Taton?"

"No, no. Your name is.. lovely", she answered and laughed again. I couldn't help but grin and laugh too.

We laughed for a long time and it felt good. It felt freeing. When we both were out of breath I took hear head in my hands and kissed her.

"I love you, little one."

"Love you too, big one."

I laughed. I wasn't that big, was I?

I got up and picked my loved one in my arms.

"Hey, what are you doing?" she giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Nothing. And you better not call me Mathilda."

"Okay, Mathilda."

I grinned.

"Stop or I will drop you", I threatened. I wasn't being serious and I knew she knew that.

"Don't you dare, you.. you.. mister Cubicle!"

"Enough with the names", I laughed. "Just Max, please."

"Fine, Maxxie", she said and stretched every syllable. She smiled.

"Let's go to the shower. Susie."

We laughed and I let my lover down. It was time to wash all the dirt and worries away.

Once again I was thinking about what the team red would do.

"They could've chased us here", I mused.

"They could have. They didn't" Blake replied.

Yeah. They didn't. Were they going to get their revenge? Probably. Soon? Maybe. I felt bad about Susan being in the battlefield again. Of course this was war and all that shit but that was why I didn't want her in the fights. I didn't want myself there either. Not anymore. I had Susan and I wanted to have her safe and sound. Why couldn't this war end? It had lasted a quite long time. Too long time.

"You ready for a new battle, hm?" I mumbled as I tried to eat my food.

"Seriously? Seriously I am fed up with this. It would be shitty to lose the whole war after all this effort but it is really.. I mean I want it to end", Kenneth answered.

"We're ready for battles as long as the leaders decide not to end this war. Or as long something big happens which forces the other team to lose", the sniper said and lighted a cigarette. We weren't supposed to smoke in ther canteen but I guess Blake didn't care. Didn't give a rat's ass like he once said to me. Susan decided that she'd be the next one answering to my question:

"I'm really looking forward to kicking their poor asses."

"Hard feelings, mate?" Blake raised his eyebrow.

"Well, fuck all of them and their chauvinist asses. Does that answer?"

"The army is indeed a bit chauvinist here nowadays", he stated. Yeah. Obvious. I knew it very well. I also didn't like that Susan was so eager to fight. But I decided it was better to shut up about it.

Later we laid on our bed. I looked at Susan's hand that was on my stomach. Our fingers were entwined. Her skin was much darker. Sun kissed. I was always wearing so much clothes that I was pale as a dead corpse. A freaking zombie. She was pleasantly brown. Not too brown, just a little. Looked healthy, unlike me.

"Why did you come here?"

"Hm? Army? Why did I sneak into army?"

"Yeah."

I though about what would I say and after a while I started to explain:

"It was my dream. My dad was in army. I admired him. And so did my twin brother.. Max. His name was Max. We were best friends and we had no other friends. It was Max, mom and I. And dad in the war. The big war hero. And then.. one day we got these news that our dad was dead and we would have to send another man to the war. My brother. I was going to stay home and he was going to live my dream. It wasn't okay with me. Max was supposed to leave the next day.. That night. The previous night we had a huge fight. I got angry. I mean very angry. I pushed him down from the second floor."

Susan looked at me shocked and maybe a little worried. I knew what she was thinking. How could I do something like that to a family member and was I able to do that to her. I knew I wasn't. Back then I really.. didn't care. It was just me and my destiny. That my brother was going to steal. And I didn't mean to do it. It was an accident. I was just insanely angry..

"You just.. killed him?" she asked.

"Nope. He didn't die from the fall. He was in a bad shape but he was breathing and his heart was beating. I knew he couldn't go to war now. I waited next to him till he woke up. He wanted to die. I didn't hesitate. It was his wish and I had caused the damage to him. So I got a shovel and killed him. Then I went and killed my mom. I knew it was for the best. She was very depressed because dad was gone and now my brother too and.. I wasn't going to stay home. So it was the best solution. I killed and buried my family, stole my brother's identity and replaced him in the war. That's all."

"That's.. a lot. How could you.. they were your family. He was your best friend", Susan wondered and shook her head.

"But I still love you of course", she added. I smiled sadly.

"It was an accident.. and it just seemed the best solution back then.."

"What about now? Do you regret it?" she asked eagerly. I shighed and answered:

"Sometimes. Sometimes I wish my brother could've done his job and my mother lived her life but.. I don't know.. After the fall everything just.. It was better that way. It is better this way. And I met you here. And they're not suffering."

"Could you just.. do that to me? If that was the best solution", she kept asking hard questions.

"I don't know.. Maybe I love you too much."

"Maybe.."

That evening the red team striked. And they did it with force. We defended our base furiously, so, in the end they retreated. There were many wounded. More than usual. Maybe they were tired of this war too. I didn't care. What I cared about was that Susan was one of the wounded.

"I can handle this", she insisted she could walk herself. I shook my head sadly. She had hurt her leg. Just a strained ankle but still. She also had a gunshot wound in her left arm. The hurting ankle was her left one so if it gave way she'd fall on her wounded arm. I let her walk without my help but I was close so if my lady scout fell I would be there to catch her.

When we were at the door of our room I opened it for Susan and she glared at me. I was just trying to help. And I usually opened it for her. And others. I knew she was in a bad mood but still..

We sat on our bed and I petted the back of her hand. I put my face close to her neck and wishpered:

"I love you."

She just snorted. It hurt but I kept petting her hand. I didn't know if she wanted me away or close to her but I felt like it was my duty to be there. I wanted to.

"Hey.. I don't want you to get hurt.. You know.. I was about to lose you back then and.." I knew it maybe wasn't the best time, but it bugged me a lot so I said it. She'd understand. She loved me.

"Sure you don't. You don't even fucking care about me", she retorted and shifted her hand away.

"What do you mean I don't care?" I asked and looked at her bewildered. What was this? Of course I cared. I loved her. I was fucking ready to die for her. I had saved her from the red base. So.. why did she doubt now?

"Why would you care. You could fucking kill me. Like those fucking reds that are trying to do that every time we battle."

She was angry. Angry with me. And I had no idea why. But what she said wasn't true. And it hurt me.

"You know that's not true", I said and lowered my head.

"Oh, do I? Really? You are the one who brutally murdered your loved ones!"

"Susan.."

I didn't want to hear any more angry words. No more accusing. She didn't understand.. And because of that she didn't want me any more.

"What? Now you're going to say it was an accident, huh? But was killing your mother an accident? Or ending your brother after the fall? Was it?" she almost yelled.

"Stop it! I am leaving."

"Leaving?"

That made Susan stop. But I didn't care. I wanted away from the situation. Everything hurt. She didn't love me because she thought I was a monster. Sure I didn't explain a lot but couldn't she wait for me? Wait for me to be ready to talk. To tell more. Why did she attack me like this..

"Yeah.. I.. I think I'll sleep somewhere else tonight, okay?"

"Where? If you love me, you'll stay", Susan said. What was I supposed to do.. Of course I loved her.. and I wanted to stay but.. It hurt so much.. And she didn't want me to stay, did she?

"Somewhere.. I love you.. Do you want me to stay?" I asked her. Maybe she did love me, she just had a hard day and.. hard time dealing with my.. past.

"I.. I do but.. Okay, just go."

Why did she have to add that. Why. Why did I say I'll leave. I didn't want to leave. And still.. And still when I opened my mouth to speak I said:

"I will go but.. I will come back, okay? Let's talk tomorrow? I need.. my space. Hey you.. ask Al to sleep here or something, okay? Just.."

"I can take care of myself. Just go."

And I did.


	7. Chapter 7

For a moment I just stood outside the door of our room. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what to do, what to think. I couldn't go to Al. He had a room for just one because it was Susan's old room. I knew he'd take me in but I wasn't in the mood of confronting him. He'd ask questions and he'd probably make me go and speak with Susan. And.. He just wasn't the person I wanted to be with right now. He was Susan's best friend. I could ask him to go look after Susan. She was wounded and all.. But I didn't want to. I decided not to. It felt bad but no, I wasn't going to meet Al. But if Susan will hurt herself and she has no one there. I should tell Alfred that she was alone. But then I'd leave. Yes.

I started walking towards his room. I didn't know what to say. And what would I do after that? Blake and Kenneth. I didn't want to disturb them but.. I had no other place to go now. Soon I had arrived at Al's door and I knocked carefully and then harder. The door opened.

"Max? What are you doing here at this hour? Is Susan okay?" he asked worried.

"I uhm.. We had a fight and she's alone in our room so could you.." I tried to explain. I looked at his pleadingly and he looked back accusingly. I knew he'd want me to go and talk with her.

"You should go there yourself, Max" he replied.

"I can't.. I.. It was about something very important to me and.. Just, please, go there, okay?"

He looked at me a bit angrily but then sighed. I knew he understood but still wanted me to go to talk to her myself.

"Okay. But promise you will talk to her tomorrow, little buddy", he nodded as he spoke.

"Thank you. I'll.. go now."

He nodded, disappeared in the room and shut the door. That went suprisingly well. I turned and walked away. Which room was Blake and Kenneth's again? Two hundred and something.. 201? Maybe. I hoped so. I didn't want to disturb anyone random.

When I knocked on the door of room number 201 it was Blake that opened it. So, I remembered correctly. He wasn't wearing his hat and his normally combed hair pointed at every direction possible.

"What do you want?" He didn't sound angry or annoyed. He just spoke that way.

"I.. can I stay here this night?" I asked uneasily. Whoa, asking was so uncomfortable.

"Troubles with love, hm, mate?"

"Something like that", I answered and scratched the back of my head. He laughed a bit and replied:

"There shouldn't be something like that in army. Come in."

I stepped in and looked around. There was no one in the room but us. The room was small and there was only one bed.

"I thought you lived with Kenneth", I stated and raised my eyebrows.

"Nah, he lives in 204 with some guy called Norman", Blake explained and sat on his bed. He patted the bed and invited me to sit next to him. I did so.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. I thought for a second and then I shook my head. After a while I started to talk:

"I.. we.. We fought.. About my past I guess."

I looked at him and he nodded.

"I.. Fuck.. Sorry, I can't tell", I sighed and buried my face in my hands.

He put his hand on my shoulder and said:

"Mate, you can tell anything to me. I am a rock, let me say. I won't tell anything to anyone. And I won't be shaken about anything."

I felt like what he said was true but I just couldn't tell. I shook my head. For a while we sat in silence and then the sniper took his hand from my shoulder and started to talk:

"When I was young I lived at home with my sisters. My dad, Andrew, was in war and my mom, Thelma, was dead. She died when she gave birth to my youngest sister Abby. I had three younger sisters: Abby, Angela and Nancy. I also had two older sisters: Monica and Tanya. Tanya was the oldest. Tanya and the youngsters thought it was horrible that our dad was in war and Monica and i were the only ones being sane about it. We older kids also blamed mom's death on Abby. We really made her life hard. Yes, we were assholes like that."

Blake was silent for a moment and looked at me. I smiled at him a bit and nodded. He smiled back.

"We really took it too far. She was small and weak because we didn't feed her enough and we bullied her. Verbally mostly but physically too. And one day she ran away and didn't come back. She probably died in the woods. Most of my sisters felt bad about it but I didn't. I was happy that she was gone and that we didn't have that many mouths to feed. And then I had this idea. Angela was only a bit older than Abby and couldn't do much work either. So she was useless and we had to feed her too. What if she'd disappear too? One night I asked her to come with me to get some wood and killed her. I murdered my own sister. To my other sisters I told that she had gone too far away from me and a big mountain lion killed her", he told me and went silent again. I hadn't prepared to hear that. I didn't feel like I was the worst person in the world after all.

"You wanted to kill her?" I asked.

"I wanted to make our life easier."

I nodded. Our pasts were kind of similar.

"I killed my brother", I told him.

"You don't seem like that kind of guy. How's so?" he asked from me and looked at me questioningly. I leaned a bit forward and answered:

"You don't seem like that kind of guy either. I was angry and accidentally pushed him from the second floor. He didn't die but he was badly injured. He let me kill him and go to the army for him. Oh, and I killed my mother too. Because I knew that was the best for her."

"Hm? Go to the army for him?" he asked curiosity in his voice, and I realized I had said too much. Shit. Could I explain this thing to him? I trusted him but..

"I uhm.. He was going to go and.. I couldn't. I wanted to. We are twins", I tried to explain. I was almost panicking.

"So you wanted to go and he was going? Were you angry about that?" Blake asked. He was catching up quickly.

"Uh.. Yes."

"Why couldn't you?"

And there it came. I took a deep breath and answered to his question:

"They don't let women in here."

There were silence. I was scared and on his face was his normal expression. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"So you're a girl", he stated. He scratched his cheek and then turned to look at me. He smiled.

"So, Max is your brother's name? What's your name?"

"My name? Uh.. Mathilda", I responded and gave him a relieved grin

"Nice. What were you and Susan fighting about? You being a girl?" he inquired.

"She said that.. I don't care about her and I could just kill her.. That I had brutally murdered my loved ones", I explained and I felt like I was going to cry. I hadn't cried in army. Not even once.

"She shouldn't say such a thing when she doesn't know everything", Blake said. He had spoken much more than I had ever heard him speak.

I smiled at him but I couldn't stop the tears. Soon warm salty water drops spilled from my eyes and the sniper looked like he didn't know what to do. I lowered my head and wanted to apologize. Soon I was sobbing and my body was shaking.

Suddenly I felt arm around me and after I realized that Blake was hugging me I leaned in him. I pressed my face against his chest. I felt safe. Loved. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to press him against my aching chest. I wanted the pain to be gone. When we hugged I felt his fingers in my hair, petting my head. It felt so weird. Blake had never been emotional and here he was with me. I hoped it would be Susan. It would be Susan who understood me and who held me. It hurt me that it wasn't so. I held Blake tighter against me.

After a while my sobbing stopped and Blake let me go from his embrace. He took my face between his hands and dried my tears. He smiled at me. He was so close I could feel his breath. It was warm like his embrace had been. I pressed my face against his. I loved the feeling of skin. I needed to be close. Close to someone. I needed someone to take care of me for once. When I closed my eyes I felt his lips against mine. It startled me. This was wrong. This wasn't the one I loved. But the one I loved didn't want me anymore. She thought I was wrong. I was detestable. A monster. This man didn't think so. He wanted to comfort me. So I stopped thinking and answered to his kiss.

I pressed my lips against his. His hands were on my back. Stroking, touching. Soon we were laying on the bed, grinding, kissing and grunting. Suddenly a thought popped into my head: he really must be in need. This was army. Not like you get laid every other night. I realized what I was doing. And with who. My desperate search for pleasure and comfort stopped. I wasn't for him. And he wasn't for me. It may be that he could freely seek pleasure and maybe comfort too like this but it wasn't like that to me. I had someone. Some one who trusted me. Or maybe she didn't. But I wanted to be worth her trust. So I stopped.

"Blake, no."

He stopped and looked at me confused.

"You don't want to?"

"No I don't.. I am sorry but I have Susan", I answered. I looked at him apologetically. I didn't want to disappoint him. I didn't want to do this to him after he had been so nice to me.

"I know. This one time, please?"

I looked at him and frowned.

"No."

"Damn, and I thought for once I could get laid", he grinned. I smiled. He didn't think anything bad about me. I hugged him.

"I thought we were not going to do it", he chuckled.

"We are not!" I laughed against his chest. He felt almost like a different person. I pulled back and looked at him.

"Don't tell her, okay? I.. should I go back?"

"I won't. And you can stay if you want to. But I still got a boner", he said and gave me a crooked smile.

"Go jack off in the bathroom or something", I giggled and pushed him.

"Fine, fine", he said and put his hands up as in a surrender. He got up and grinned at me. Then he walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

I laid in the bed and when he was gone I felt empty. Sorrow started to get its hold on me and I thought about Susan. I was a bad girlfriend. And with those thoughts I fell asleep.

"Hey, wake up!"

I felt something shaking me. I opened my eyes. Blake.

"Did you have a bad dream or something?" he asked.

Now I remembered. It was something about Susan.

"Yes.. A nightmare. It was Susan.. I think I.. killed her. I thought she was my enemy and.." I frowned as I tried to remember. I also realized what had happened last night.

"Hey, Blake, I have to go back now", I said and sat up.

"Relax, it's only four am."

"No.. I'll go.."

He nodded.

"It's okay. If you feel like that then go", he said and sat up too. Suddenly I felt disgusted with myself and the fact I had slept next to Blake. And had kissed him. Several times.

I climbed from the bed and walked towards the door. I hit my toe on something.

"FUCK!"

It really did hurt like fucking hell.

"You okay?" I heard the sniper's voice.

"Yeah, yeah", I mumbled and kept going. Finally I reached the door.

"Max. No hard feelings between us, right?"

I turned my head so I was facing the dark room and answered:

"No, Blake. No hard feelings. Thank you."

I opened the door and left the room quickly. I furiously searched for the room 136.

140.. 139.. 138.. 139.. 137... 136.

I stopped. The room number 136. I opened the door carefully. It was dark in the room.

"Max?"

It was Susan's voice. I closed the door and searched for the light switch. When I found it and switched the lights on I saw Susan sitting in between our beds. We had combined them when we started sleeping together but now my girl was sitting between them. Her eyes were red and puffy. I walked there and gave my hand to her.

"Get up from there, little one", I said and smiled. She smiled back at me and took my hand. I pulled her up. After she had climbed over the bed she hugged me. Tightly.

"Don't leave me ever again", she ordered me and hugged me even more tightly.

"I won't, love. I won't", I promised

"Let's sleep now, okay? We can.. talk tomorrow."

She nodded and she was crying again.

"Don't cry, little bird", I said and wiped her tears away.

She nodded again and hugged me. I put her in the bed and went to switch off the lights.

"Don't leave", she pleaded.

"The lights", I replied and smiled at her.

Soon we were in our bed and she was safely in my arms.

"I love you", I whispered.

"I love you too."

I had hell of a lot of explaining to do tomorrow. But I was happy now.


	8. Chapter 8

The following day I spoke with Susan. Told her about what I felt, what I thought and things about my past. She told me that she hadn't meant it, she had just been angry, hurting and just generally in a bad mood. She had told it kind of bugged her but not like that and after my explanations she said it was okay. I believed her. The thing that kept bugging me days after that was Blake. Or more like what happened with him. I was supposed to tell her about it but I couldn't when things were good again and all.

And with Blake everything was quite normal. He was his normal self even if he did sometimes smile at me more than before and sometimes when we were alone he said something suggestive but nothing bad. Just joking around.

After a week or so after a battle with team red I sat outside smoking with Blake. I hadn't smoked before but when I started hanging out with the sniper I had started smoking occasionally.

"I'm running out of cigs, really. I shouldn't offer you any", Blake said after he had just lighted and given me one. Now he was lighting another one for himself.

"You don't have to. You know I don't exactly need them", I replied and took a drag of my fag. I loved the feeling of smoke dwelling inside me when I inhaled it.

"I know. I'm going to charge soon. One cig for one kiss", he chuckled. I frowned at him but then laughed.

"Starting now."

I raised my eyebrow but instead of answer I got a pair of lips against mine. I couldn't help kissing back. Blake was so easy to like. Usually silent but when he spoke he had something to say that at least I wanted to hear. He just didn't chitchat all the time. He was a sarcastic person and got the irony that I also saw in almost everything. He was funny when he wanted to and even if he usually didn't show much emotion he could be emotional when it came to it.

Wait a second. I was with Susan and here I was, kissing a guy and thinking how nice it was. There was a lot of good things in Susan too. I loved her temper. It could be very bad also but I loved it. She was pretty cheery and happy usually. She talked much and I Ioved listening to her. She was beautiful and soft and an awesome fuck. Perfect lover. And pretty much opposite of Blake. Not entirely though, she was funny too. I enjoyed company of both of them. But I loved Susan. I didn't know if I was crushing on Blake or what but this wasn't right. I was in love with that lady scout and this guy wasn't going to ruin it. I had to tell Susan.

"What?" I asked angrily when I pulled away from the kiss.

"Just a kiss. No need to get angry" he answered and shrugged.

I just got up, threw my cig away and went back in.

It was night and I was laying in the bed with Susan. I decided I had to tell her now or I would never be able to do it.

"Hey, love, I have to tell you something that has been bugging me.."

"Yes? Tell me."

"I.. remember when I told that I was with Blake that night? Stayed in his room", I tried to tell her and I could tell from her expression that she already had an idea what I was about to say.

"He.. kissed me."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she asked. She wasn't angry but she sounded a bit sad.

"I couldn't. I.. It wasn't all. We made out and.." I stopped when I saw her face. She looked shocked and after that she looked angry. Tears became visible in her eyes and soon they were rolling down her cheeks. I tried to fix the situation:

"Hey, let me speak. I love you. I just needed comfort and I didn't think clearly."

"You just needed comfort? Well, do you think that I didn't? I had Al visiting me and did I fuck him? No, I didn't. You just go and whore around when we have a fight. And guess what? Now he knows too! About you being a girl, I mean. And he can blackmail you with it, can't he?", she almost raged. I felt so bad. My chest ached and my breathing got caught in my troath. I could feel that I was about to cry too.

"I didn't fuck him. And even if I did tell him I'm a girl, you know he wouldn't do something like that. You don't know how it was.. He told me about his past. He had.. done something similar. And you hurt me so badly, it was just so easy.. But I stopped him. We didn't fuck", I tried to explain calmly.

"You just don't fucking love me. You should go and fucking have an orgy of family murderers", she replied and her crying got louder.

I could feel her words making wounds inside me. Gashes throbbed and ached inside me. Pain crawled under my skin and I wanted it out. I felt like scratching my arms but I controlled myself and instead of that I spoke:

"I love you. I want to live with you. I am so sorry I did it. I won't do it again. I need you to trust me. Do you still want me?"

Susan was silent for a while. She just cried. Snot and tears covered her face. I resisted my need to wipe it all away.

"I want you. I love you. If you love me, you will not be with him anymore. At all", she demanded.

"I won't. It'll be hard because we're friends but.. I'll tell him to go the fuck away. Maybe that'll work. I am sorry. I love you", I sobbed. I crawled closer to her and she hugged me. It made the pain dull.

"I love you too.. Do you know how.. Just don't do that anymore. I can not take it", she told me and I nodded against her chest. I had hurt her badly. She had hurt me too but what I did was just.. wrong. Of course what she did was wrong too but I didn't want to lose her. And she had a reason to be angry.. right? I was a monster that had killed it's family. I was going to keep this family. I was going to keep Susan.

"I won't do that. I love you. Don't ever leave me alone", I pleaded and hugged her close. I hated it how she made me so vulnerable but I still loved her. And I wanted to. It wasn't bad loving her. There were always troubles in relationships. I decided that I would be worth her love and I'd take her away from this war and live with her. Have a life with her. She'd be my family.

"I won't. I am sorry too."

I nodded and kissed her. This'd be my new start.

Starting my so called new life was at first kind of hellish. I had to get rid of my friend. Or friends. Kenneth would go if Blake did. So I'd have less friends. It wasn't that bad because I hadn't had any friends before Al and Susan. But losing was hard.

Next time Blake came to me when I was eating with Susan in the canteen I had to do it. Susan looked at me waitingly.

"Blake", I said before he sat down, "You can not sit there."

He looked at me questioningly.

"And why not, mate?"

"Just because... I. Do. Not. Want. To. See. You", I spelled out for him.

"Oh", he just said and walked away. I knew he knew. It was because of it.

It hurt. It really did but I couldn't do anything about it. I just had to keep living with it. Maybe it will dull some day. I had Susan. It didn't hurt with her. Usually. And she was there for me when it did. But every night when she fell asleep I laid awake with my thoughts and sometimes I even cried.

Why couldn't this war end? Why could this pain end? I didn't want to be miserable but I didn't know how I could not to be. And I was happy. I really was but there was always something there I didn't want to admit. I had to ignore it so I could be happy. So I could have my new start and be happy. I wondered how long it would take to be happy.


	9. Chapter 9

When there were no battles I spent my time with Susan. I looked after her till she got better and when she got better I still followed her like a disease. She didn't seem to mind. In fact she seemed to be happy that I was glued to her.

I didn't know if I was happy or not. I had no freedom. Of course Susan wouldn't have stopped me if I was about to go and have my personal time. Of course not. But it wasn't an option. I didn't want her to think I sneaked out to see Blake. I wouldn't ever do that but I knew she'd suspect me.

There was an another reason too. I couldn't be without her. When I wasn't with her it hurt like no tomorrow. My body started to ache and I got anxious and lonely. It hurt what I had done to Susan and it hurt what I had done to Blake. And to myself. I had done it all myself and it all hurt me. It was my fault and I was going to suffer.

I was addicted to her. She was my pleasure, my love, my life. She was the drug that dulled my pain. I lived for her and only her. I needed to make her life good. I needed to be good for her. No. I needed to be the best for her. And it hurt that I wasn't. I tried but I wasn't. And she kept reminding me about that. My mistakes, what I had done wrong. I could never make it better. I could never make up for my mistakes even if I tried as hard as I could. But still.. it was my responsibility to make her life as good as it could be now. I wanted to. I needed to. Because I loved her. I loved her way too much and I was all hers.

Of course I was happy in my own way. I was happy that I could do my duty and.. serve Susan. I loved being with her and I loved making her happy. Even if the past bothered me. Even if I had to stand my loved one's anger and accusations. I knew she didn't want to hurt me and was suffering herself. Because of me. So it was right that she made me hurt. I was my fault and it was my duty to take all her anger and make her happy again. It was my life. I loved her.

Then there were moments when everything was like in the beginning. When I was truly happy. It was when we had sex. Or more like the moments after sex. When we held each other. I loved it when we made love. It was making her feel good in the best way possible. It was being close to her. And after it we held each other close and I could listen to her heart beat and feel loved. Love and feel so loved that I could explode from the feeling. They were the moments of my happiness. Moments of our happiness.

So, mostly I was just content with my life. I lived for her and it was okay. I liked it that way, it made me happy. She gave me her love and I gave her mine. I could give anything to her as long as I had her love. As long I had those moments.

Anyway there were moments when even Susan's presence couldn't keep the pain away. Those moments were when I saw Blake. When I saw him, I couldn't keep it away. I had to remember and it hurt. Also, he didn't ever try to approach me. There where few times he looked at me but he looked at me like I was.. no one. Or anybody. Because he looked at everyone like they were no one. Friends were his exception. And I didn't really know why but it hurt me. He didn't care about me anymore. At all. I cared about him. No, I wasn't in love with him, I never had been. Still I cared about him. He had been.. he was my friend. But I had something more important to me and because of it, I had to drive him away from me.

Slowly my pain started to fade away. I learned to be happy for myself and not only for Susan. I learned to live again. Susan was still my life but now I included myself there too. I started to matter. My feelings started to matter.

First it was hard for Susan to adjust to that I didn't do everything for her and everything didn't go as she wanted. That I started to take myself into consideration. It wasn't because she was selfish. It was simply because she was used to being the only thing in my life. When I talked to her about it, she understood. Of course the truth of she controlling my life and being selfish even if she didn't mean to, hurt her. But she understood. And slowly life started to be quite normal again.

Seeing Blake didn't hurt me anymore but of course I missed him sometimes. I had Susan and it was a lot. I didn't need anything else. And of course we had Al, so, we weren't alone either. It was the three of us again. It was like in the beginning. We only had a stronger bond between us. We were able to cry on each other's shoulders when the past came back to haunt us, but we had forgiven and gotten past it. We just hadn't forgotten it. And we'd never will, but we weren't supposed to. If we forgot the things that had happened, we wouldn't learn from them. Now we had learned. And we were happy again.

Untill something bad happened.

Susan was ordered to meet the leaders and when she came back I heard the news.

"They said that I can't stay", she blurted out.

I was dumbfounded. They just said that she can't stay. How can they do that? And what are we going to do now? What can I do? Finally I got myself to ask:

"What, why?"

"There have been complaints about how a woman in the army distracts the men", she answered and I could hear anger in her voice.

"Distracts the men", I repeated her words like a parrot. Even my voice was hoarse like parrot's because fear made my throat tighten. What would happen now?

"Yeah! Men can't run with their boners or something", the lady scout yelled and I stared at her.

"What?" I asked quetly. Somehow I felt like I couldn't understand a word she said. Only thing I understood was that Susan and I were going to be separated.

"And they know I live in the same room with you.. You may get in some trouble after I leave", she mumbled and looked at me apologetically.

"It's not your fault", I answered in a monotone voice.

Fuck the life. There was no future.


	10. Chapter 10

When she left I did nothing but screamed. For five minutes I screamed as hard as I could. I needed to let my pain out. It didn't help. I still hurt so much and everything in me was broken. And now my throat ached too. Not like that mattered.

Susan had said to me that she'll come back. She said that she didn't know how but she will come back. She won't leave me. She did. She left me all alone and in pain. She ripped my heart out of my chest, put it in a freezer and shoved the cold, lifeless meat back in me.

I cried. I cried in a desperate, wretched, agonizing way. In a way humans should not cry. Because that way kills you inside.

I cried till I was empty. Till I could not cry anymore. I was empty and I was barely able to feel the cold, hard floor that I was lying on. My mouth was dry and throat sore. Sounds of life outside my room were distant and unimportant.

I realized that I had closed my eyes. That was why it was so dark. I didn't dare to open them in fear that I had lost my sight so I kept them closed. After a while I felt my worn body falling asleep. Or maybe I was dying. Who cared? I didn't.

I woke up when someone entered the room. My body was aching everywhere, my head hurt, throat was dry and sore and there were a weird kind of metallic taste in my mouth. I clumsily sat up and opened my eyes. Everything was blurry. The fear of losing my vision came back and I hastily rubbed my eyes. After opening my eyes again world begun to seem clearer. I looked up.

"Hey, are you okay?" a man kneeled down in front of me and leaned close. A warm hand was on my cheek. His hand. I started to realize.

"Blake? What the fuck?" I blurted out those confused words. I grabbed his hand on my cheek and pulled it away.

"I'm going to move in. Is that okay?" he asked and smiled friendly. I frowned and replied:

"What? No! I.."

I realized that Susan was gone. Tears begun to form in the corner of my eyes. Susan wasn't here with me anymore. There were no arms to hold me. There were no warm body to be next to me when I woke up in the mornings. There were no one to kiss, to hug, to comfort, to laugh with, to share my life with. There were.. There were no love.

I started to sob and Blake hugged me. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him close. This wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. I needed to get my loved one back.. I had done that once, why not do it again?

I fought my way out of Blake's embrace and he looked at me confused.

"Now. What the fuck were you thinking? You just think you can come back like that?" I asked angrily. My body ached. I needed to get up.

"I couldn't before because of your dear scout chick, remember?"

I stood up as quickly as I could with all the pain and stiffness. Was he behind this? Had he complained? What the fuck, may I ask... What the fuck..

"You! Did you..? Was it you?" I yelled at him as he stood up as well.

"Did I what, exactly?" he asked and raised an eyebrow. His expression was way too smug.

"Tell them! Did you tell them?"

"What if I did?" he replied calmly.

I was so angry that adrenaline in my blood made me shake. My body wasn't so tired after all. I still cried but it was out of anger. I hated how it seemed to make me look vulnerable to Blake. If he really was the one who destroyed my world, he deserved to die. Painfully.

"Did you?" I asked and tried to force my voice calm as well. Unsuccessfully. It came out as a scream.

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't", he shrugged.

Before I could answer to that came the familiar call for soldiers. The base was being invaded.

"You better stay away from my flamethrower or you may get some serious burns", I hissed at Blake.

"You wouldn't dare", he stated, unsure.

"Oh, you'll see."

Fighting and defending were my regular basis so it came to me mechanically, without thinking. Smashed this head and stabbed that back, burned these guys and dodged those bullets. Easy. While I did my job I looked for Blake. I really wanted that guy to suffer. But instead of him, I found her.

"Susan!" I yelled through my gasmask. Hope and joy filled me. And then hit the fear. She wasn't safe. What if she got hurt? I noticed she had some red's bat that she was swinging in some soldiers face at the moment. Good, she had a weapon. I saw the soldier fall as I sprinted towards her. Running was pretty hard in my suit. She turned and noticed me. I yelled again.

"Max? I fucking couldn't just start a new life and.." she started but was interrupted by a red scout's bat. I shoved my lover a bit further away and burned the guy.

"Hey? Max?"

I decided to fuck the security and ripped the mask off of my face, leaned in and kissed her. I loved the feeling of her lips, her skin. I had though I had lost it.

Suddenly she fell limp in my arms and something flew on my face. Something warm and moist and what almost blinded me.

I supported Susan with my right hand and tried to wipe my face with my left one. The dirty rubber glove was clumsy and felt horrible on my face. But not nearly as horrible as realization.

I looked at Susan lying limp in my arms. There were a huge hole right above her right eye. Eye under the wound was covered in blood but the other one stared at nothing. I shook her and her head rolled lazily from side to side. She was dead.

I stared her and after a little while my knees gave in. I fell on the ground still holding Susan's body. Everything felt hazy. It sounded like the battlefield was way too far away from us to be even in the same continent. I took off my gloves and petted her cheek. Warm and soft. Then I begun to cry.

She was gone. For a moment I had had her and then I lost her again. This time it was permanent. I pressed my face against hers while sobbing loudly. I needed her to say something and hold me. I was so lonely but she didn't take me in her lap and pet me. Even if I begged her. Again and again I tugged her shirt and asked her to hold me. She didn't. She didn't smile at me, kiss my forehead and tell me it's going to be okay. So, it wasn't going to okay. Ever.

I saw my shotgun lying on the ground. I didn't know when I had dropped it. Or maybe it wasn't mine. It didn't matter. As long as it had bullets in it. I reached for it and checked. Yes, it did have ammo.

"I'm so sorry, my love. Why you.. you don't answer and I can't live with it", I mumbled in Susan's chest. If I had had hope yesterday, I didn't have it anymore. Quickly a thought passed through my head. Had Blake been the one who shot? Well, it didn't matter. She was dead any way. I wasn't angry. I was just sad. Endlessly sad. I was drowning in a bottomless pool of sadness.

"I love you. I won't leave you alone", I sobbed and grabbed the weapon more tightly. I really wasn't going to live without her. That wasn't a real life.

I heard someone yelling my name. Probably Blake. Fuck him. He wasn't going to have me. I was going to go with my love. Now.

I aimed the gun towards my head and pulled the trigger.


	11. Epilogue

My love, I'm always with you. In this space of nothingness. Valleys of nonexistence.

I will caress your heart. I will hold you in my stardust arms when we'll be sucked into the black hole of oblivion.

We are not existent but my love will always follow your spirit.

So, don't forget me.


End file.
